cards against humanit 821
Geek Food
Chances are that you yourself are some kind of geek, considering the way you drunkenly stumbled in here, quoting Futurama and throwing hentai all about the place. But for those of you safely in the snuggie of “social networking” for your primary internet use, these are some of the tell tale crumbs of the adult geek.No geek kitchen is complete without some oh so very essential essentials. Ramen noodles, a selection of sugary cereals, all the local takeaway menus, and a wide variety of microwavable food are at the top of the list. We’re talking wide like the smile of that exotic dancer telling you she’s just putting herself through med school, that you’re the only one who can help her because you’re just so strong and intelligent, not like those other guys.Favourite imbibable beverages (geekin’ it thesaurus style, holla) include, but are not limited to, Mountain Dew, all alcohol, and any caffeinated drink.We’re kind of crazy for that caffeine.We basically get a raging rubbery one for that old trimethylxanthine,
which cards against humanity expansion is best, and consume it by the bucketload in all of it’s wondrous forms. The only thing we might love more than caffeine is snacks.FOR SPEEDY REPLENISHMENT OF NOURISHMENTThough technically, 87.6% of nerd nourishment can be classified under the junk food heading, we’re talking here in terms of grabbable, non effort foods. Ramen noodles at the very least need boiling water added to them. Unless you’re that weird guy who eats the dry noodles pre water and saves the flavouring for another day.Basically, anything that comes in a big dayglo bag is a win. Crisps,
cards against humanity price?, chips, pretzelz, the contortion of edible substances into un natural un Godly shapes, it’s all so very very good. Also, Cheetos.QUIRKY SHIT WE FALL FOR EVERY TIMEDue to the hours spent honing our skills and instincts as internet dwelling geekpeople, we are,
cards against humanity best, for example, able to run around as a Level 1000 Paladin Warlord with FantasticoWonderArmour Level A Billion, intently focused on the job at hand. However, in our day to day lives, as a people, we’re very easily distracted.It might be to do with that constant intake of caffeine we talked about.And the food companies know this. They also know we have a very hazy line between hating something with a passion, while simultaneously needing to own said something. We could examine something like those wolf t shirts, but let us here take the foodie example of miniature pizzas.The Norm: “Tiny pizza!? That’s so fucking stupid! When the hell am I going to want the exact taste of a normal, human sized pizza, but with less of the actual food.?”The Geek: “Tiny pizza!? That’s so fucking stupid. Or is it so stupid that it’s awesome.? Conclusion: I must own it.”Anything bigger or smaller or slightly/a lot quirkier than how it usually comes will make us squee like the adult children we’ve grown up to become. Especially if it appeals to our geeky sensibilities.Yeah, fuck your regular soda. I’m drinking mother fucking wizard juice.ALSO, EVERYTHING IN THE PAST WAS BETTER THAN NOWAnother kind of food that makes us crap our pants with happiness ohpleasemomnottheclosetagain are any of the candies or sweets we remember from our sugar filled childhoods. You know, before all this healthy eating shit came into mode. Or fashion. What are you fuckers calling it now? And what happened to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Are the Power Rangers in space now!? WHAT HAPPENED TO POP ROCKS!?God, I miss them. I miss them in my soul.We enjoyed puffed multi coloured rice topped with sugar, explody popping candy, edible paper with a plain sherbet filling. You know what sherbet is? The main ingredient is sodium bicarbonate! Delicious!I give you Hutber’s Law; “Improvement means deterioration.” Although the “food” we remember was coloured with a thousand shimmering chemicals, it still beats ten kinds of crap out of some of the weird juicy squishy whateverthatis they’re trying to get kids to go for nowadays.At least in our geek dotage we can still pick up some Pocky from the store and claim to our friends that it’s “not sweets, see right here, it says MAN. That’s a MAN snack right there.” Pocky has a crazy buttload of flavours, each more bound in Japanese nerd glory than the last.Still. I can’t even taste the sodium bicarbonate.THE COOKERY GEEKAnd for those of you huffing and puffing about stereotypes and geeks and how you never conform to boxes and you love cooking so I should go look in a mirror or whatever it is you’re saying, well, for starters you should probably check to see if you’ve still got those pesky testicles. And then you should stop talking, read this, and then tell me if you’re sure you love cooking as much as these folks do.Geekdom, as we well know, is classified by passion for a thing that the average person may believe borders on the weird and obsessive. And while the general populous may take the common consensus of “geek” to mean all those teenage activities like sitting around with your friends discussing the finer points of whatever Joss Whedon has come out with lately, or playing WoW for days on end.FUTURE FOODAs mentioned before, we also get pretty squeaky over the idea of spood. (Space food for those of you only looking at the pretty pictures.) Space food is cool in theory, relying only on convenient tablets or goo packets to replenish vital energies. None of those awkward mouth speaky mealtimes any more,
humanity card game, just a suck of the food tube for a second, and then it’s back to space wanking!